Red flag guide
DARVO: what it means and how it shows up in texts
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a response pattern, first described by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, in which a person confronted about their behavior denies it, attacks the person raising it, and then casts themselves as the one who has been wronged. In a text conversation it often looks like a fast slide from "that didn't happen" to criticism of you to "actually, you hurt me", and you end up apologizing for bringing it up.
The three steps
- Deny. The behavior didn't happen, wasn't that bad, or is being misread.
- Attack. The focus moves to you: your motives, your honesty, your past mistakes, or your "tone".
- Reverse victim and offender. They describe themselves as the one being mistreated, falsely accused or exhausted, and you as the aggressor.
The steps don't always arrive in order, and sometimes only two of them appear. What gives it away is the direction of travel: the conversation starts about something they did and ends about something you did.
Example messages
This example is invented for this guide. The labels show which step each message belongs to.
- You
I'm upset you went through my phone while I was asleep.
- Them
I didn't go through anything. It lit up and I glanced at it.
Deny - Them
Why are you so secretive anyway? What are you hiding?
Attack - Them
I do so much for you and you treat me like a criminal. Honestly I can't trust anyone in this relationship.
Reverse victim and offender
What the research says
Freyd introduced the term in 1997 in work on betrayal trauma. Later studies found that DARVO is commonly used by people who are confronted about wrongdoing, and that the more of it someone faced during a confrontation, the more they tended to blame themselves. In experiments, reading a DARVO response made people believe the victim less and blame them more, but people who had first learned what DARVO is were less swayed by it. Knowing the name of the pattern helps.
DARVO or a defensive moment?
| Ordinary defensiveness | DARVO pattern |
|---|---|
| They get prickly, then come back to the issue later. | The issue is never discussed. Only your behavior is. |
| They can say "I'm sorry, you're right" at least some of the time. | Raising a concern reliably ends with you apologizing. |
| You still feel able to raise problems. | You start avoiding problems because bringing them up isn't worth what follows. |
What you can do
- Name the original issue, once. "I'm talking about the phone. We can talk about other things separately." Then stop.
- Don't defend yourself against every counter-accusation. Each reply pulls the conversation further from where it started.
- Write down what happened. If you keep ending up as the one apologizing, a record helps you see how conversations actually went.
- Get an outside view. A trusted friend, counselor or advocate can help you check whether the blame you're carrying is yours.
- Put safety first. If confronting someone leads to threats or fear, an advocate can help you plan before you raise anything.
See the pattern in your own chat
Clarity is a free Android app that reads a conversation you export and flags denial, counter-attacks and victim-reversal language, with the messages behind every flag and a timeline of when they happened. It looks at language, not intent, so treat what it finds as a starting point, not a verdict.
Get Clarity on Google PlayNeed to get the chat out of your messaging app first? See how to export it.
Questions
What does DARVO stand for?
Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. The person confronted denies the behavior, attacks the person confronting them, and then presents themselves as the real victim and the other person as the offender.
Who came up with DARVO?
Psychologist Jennifer J. Freyd introduced the term in a 1997 peer-reviewed article on betrayal trauma. Later research by Freyd and colleagues studied how often it happens and how it affects victims and people watching from outside.
Is DARVO the same as gaslighting?
They overlap but are not the same. Gaslighting is about making you doubt your memory or perception over time. DARVO is a specific response to being held accountable, which can include gaslighting in its "deny" step.
How should I respond to DARVO in a text conversation?
Restate the original issue briefly, decline to argue about each counter-accusation, and step away if the conversation keeps turning back to you. Keep a record for yourself, and if confronting the person feels unsafe, talk to an advocate first.
Sources
- Freyd, J. J. What is DARVO? (definition and research summary).
- Freyd, J. J. (1997). Violations of power, adaptive blindness, and betrayal trauma theory. Feminism & Psychology, 7, 22–32.
- Harsey, S. J., Zurbriggen, E. L., & Freyd, J. J. (2017). Perpetrator responses to victim confrontation: DARVO and victim self-blame. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 26, 644–663.
- Harsey, S. J., & Freyd, J. J. (2020). Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender (DARVO): What is the influence on perceived perpetrator and victim credibility? Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 29, 897–916. doi.org/10.1080/10926771.2020.1774695